Honestly, I wouldn't overthink it. For me I can only even get aroused at all if it's as much NONE sexual as it is. If it's "just sex" my interest is pretty much gone. If it's "no sex at all" I also get less interested. Even not having sex can be "a thrill" (and therefor kinky).

But what IS sex? Cumming? That's fun, sure, but that's just an end result. Teasing? That's a part of it at least. Though often it can mean more then the end result itself. How much "teasing" does there need to be for it to become "sexual"?

To that I ask if it even matters. If you have fun doing something then that's what counts, right? And everyone is going to have their own idea about what makes something or not. How do you view it yourself?

Personally I look at the reasons behind everything that happens. Both teasing and sex wise. Keeps things interesting.

Teasing is to be engaging with someone. To try and make them excited. This doesn't necessarily mean in a sexual only way. Running a hand up along a thigh. Or in your case I suppose spanking your ass also applies. But it could be something as simple as cuddling up by a warm fire too. It all depends on the context. I can get down with a pat on the butt but not if it's just for the sake of it alone. Was I good boy? Is it a punishment? etc. Reasons. And as I said before, context. How hard am I being spanked? Are vampire gloves being used?

More importantly it's about no expectations. In my case also no restrictions though. Unless I allow that to happen. Being sub natually things might be expected from me. However, I knowingly put myself in such situations. My choice to do so.

Now the people you roleplay with... this is where I become a bit technical so bear with me. The reason I don't roleplay with people 9/10 times is becasue most people seem to expect it from me. I treat it a lot like sex. Only when I'm comfortable enough with someone and know they're there for me do I want to RP with them. Both for them as much as myself. Using this logic the same may apply with you with the spanking. eg: You don't want to fuck because others expect it from you. They try to make it their choice. At the same time in the times that you've been spanked have you been clear enough about not wanting to fuck? Communication is important and things need to be made clear or it leads to confusion on both sides. That leads to "feeling gross". Regardless of the topic in question. The topic isn't the gross thing, it's how others are treating it. If others treat sex or RP as something that must happen then it puts me off.

There's also people out there that actually enjoy not having you cum too. Though that's a pleasure denial thing for the most part. Looking at it from a BDSM stand point would that mean making you cum would be a punishment? Anyway, my point is you want to be accepted as you are and people don't seem to be doing that. It happens. There's also people that will. Only advice I got here is to be clear about yourself. If people are saying "Fuck me" after you been spanked either you weren't clear enough or they're not even listening. Or they tried too but misunderstood. One of the three.

Also have you considered cockrings, chastity belts and other toys?

Some people just don't want to listen. Sad to say people get more caught up in their own interests then anothers. We're just conditioned that way. To put ourselves first. Those that actually care fight that impulse and keep you in mind. That said we can also not like things in the present yet do so in the future as well. And there's "trading" things with each other too.

And really? Never? Oh boy. A cockring is, well, a ring. On the cock. To stop you from cumming, or at the very least make it more difficult to do so. Depends how tight it's on I guess. Also I didn't mean chastity belt so much as... whatever those cock cage things are called. Both work though. Exactly what it sounds like. If it's locked up no one's going to be playing with it. You can find them on sites like baddragon.

Question. Do you get to know these people before engaging with them? How close to you get to them? Strangers are often the ones that won't keep you in mind. Trust and all that.

And it's up to you what you should or shouldn't do. As for whever cockrings would be painful or not it probably depends on how tight it's on. If it's hurting it's probably too tight, which some people might like. But the idea is that it's "tight enough" to stop you from cumming. Which shouldn't be painful.

A better questing might be "Can i find a girl that will spank me, likes sex yet won't pressure me into fucking with her even if she likes sex". But to answer you question, no, it's not impossible. "Sex needs" can also be gotten from elsewhere though.

Also perhaps consider talking about RP needs with those you're already close too. I had to talk a few people into it a few times myself.